i could not eat and therefore i didn't.

summer holiday

a time in between.
i leave late. 'see you in the morning', i say.i'm done with the night.i get up early. my tooth brush is missing. it's been missing for about a year and a half now. so i make my way home to my own bathroom and my own tooth brush. the sunlight doesn't hurt my eyes as much these days.today i will not walk.i take a rickshaw the point three kilometer to my house.today the job of making rice has been delagated to the only available target. me.:) so i cook.
i've done in the past few days everything that you can possibly do. coffee, dancing, movies,board games,painted easter eggs,body massage,dinner and today i'm going swimming.apart from that i'm clean out of things to do.
we tire of each other my best friend and i, and by mutual unsaid consent we deviate from every waking moment with each other to spending time on our own,or with other people.we could invite others along to break the sameness of faces. but the only other that i approve of as entertaining enough, is smitten with the best friend,and therfore he looses the prominent position of entertainer.i guess you keep some and you let some go.i was sad to let this one go. i rather liked him.
i will be gone soon. but i will be back. sooner or later.

will i? won't i?

they say that you'll know, when you know.

The Road Not Taken
-Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;


Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-Robert Frost

it suprises me that the thought of being tied down never seemed as constraining then as it does now.

yes..i have been on guilt trips, but then that's between god and me.

unbearable, my eyes squeeze shut in reaction to the sudden saltiness. but how can i resist; whole mango pickle, straight from mangalore.

everybody needs a little bit of drama in their lives.

i'm a shooting star.

today i cried for a stranger.i cried for the loss of a baby. a baby girl.

of new non friends and easter eggs.of toast that's burnt and irksome things,like butter missing from the dish.a friend upset,a girl to wed, a disapprovig nod. she knows her mind,or so she says;don't interfere,i try. a cranky mom,a cranky me.my world has borne my wrath;and it survived and so did i.

belted pani puri. that's what i did today.in addition to kissing plastic feet and getting slowly baking in the sun.
good friday. that was my good friday.
my parents have improved over the years. before we had to eat kanji and pickle. now we have fish.and we have hot cross buns :) .my parents have never insisted that we fast, although they did make us go for way of the cross.lately they've decided that we're old enough to know our own minds and do what we want with regard to our religion.
jesus died today. two thousand and five minus thirty two years ago. so we wear sober colours and go to church and grumble about the heat. it's amazing the number of people who turn up to grumble about the heat.after that we have communion and kiss the feet of a figure on a cross. then go home and break the fast [which i don't keep] with hot cross buns or other things.
tomorrow i paint easter eggs :) and on sunday we eat easter eggs.
to easter![everybody] to easter

not taken aback

dancing to music you don't like can't be fun, drinking a drink you thought you liked, but realised you don't even less.a place so crowded with people pushing you this way and that while you try to balance in your high heels, quite a task.although that didn't stop me from doing any of the afore last night.[we need to give ourselves a little talking to with reference to making sure we do things we LIKE doing as opposed to things we don't]
that aside. i got further insight as to how a certain group of boys evaluate girls,and by girls i mean future wives. we were out with some friends, some of them guys [not the type that i'd consider spending quality hanging out time with]. one of these is due to be engaged in few weeks.the congratulations that were in order were duely given. then from a person who has not been conditioned to the concept of 'arranged marriage' from early childhood, the questions came, as they surely would have. me-'so why did you choose her?' he-'she was better looking than the others' me-*that's it?, incredulous look* he-*pause* 'she speaks well too' there were more questions of less consequence and then the curiosity subsided. i later heard that the real reason he was marrying the girl, was because she didn't like going out. alright then, so what does that imply he was asked. it meant that she had 'good character' he said. so what did that mean? that the rest of us who did go out [even if occasionally] did not? there are exceptions apparently.
people and their mindsets come in all shapes and sizes. i've always known that.

11032005
he flexes his arm involuntarily as he shows her the tattoo on his arm. something in his subconscious tells him to show off;for the girl

for those who need to know

and it appears that some clarification is needed.
when i talk about myself,more often than not, i refer to myself in the first person. eg: me,my,i could act as clues.and when i talk about something in general i use other useful pronouns.
hope this helps.
k

inside of your head, you know that it makes perfect sense to hate the person who broke your heart, then took it stepped on it,jumped up and down on it and squished it... but you don't. you just don't

summer dresses and skirts and things.wind blowing in my hair, it's night. the smell of rain in the air.and people ask me why the change.i smile and say,'it's summer'

all or nothing. i know that so well. and yet i cannot give you my all, so i will give you nothing.
goodbye, goodbye my friend.

I think the biggest thing that I realized in our "relationship" was that if you don't speak, people fill in the blanks.
-caloovy [not for blue moth :)]

clarification :
Just to let you know, I wasn't talking about my bestfriend (blue-moth) when I said that, I was actually thinking about a girl I went out with...And just to clarify (it seems to need clarification), that quote was about how people can interpret silence any number of ways.Sometimes people can make someone else's silence seem hostile, shy, confusing, romantic, understanding, etc.If you don't speak, you have no control over anyone’s impression of you.
-caloovy

girls are such contrary things. if a guy comes on to them they think 'fucker, he's only interested in my body'. andif a guy doesn't come on to them they think, 'fucker, what's wrong with him. doesn't he think i'm sexy?' :)i think girls doen't even get themselves sometimes.
[extract from marl's mind]

bombay-part 4

this one's for you de.vile :)

bombay- finally :)
we reached .. but we didn't sleep. our stay mostly consisted of going out dancing and going out dancing again. we danced and danced until my feet hurt so bad i couldn't dance anymore.my kinky chinky friend sema can dance till morning [if we allowed her that is]. marlene a few hours less. we went out dancing until marlene got sick. we wouldn't go out and leave her alone. so we stayed at home and played scrabble or coloured. we still did the usual. carter road and hill road and linking road and causeway. lunch at leopold square and gaylord cafe.dinner at crepe station and coffee at mocha and coffee day.
and a good thing it was that we stopped going out as much. because security where we were staying decided to get their knickers in a twist about who and what we were doing there. questioning and questioning. i suppose the short skirts and late nights must have set the colony gossipping.
[note: in our little world there is no none of your business and doesn't concern you. everybody's business is everyone elses. keeps our world in check i suppose]
marlene was miserable. traces of typhoid [or something like that] we later found out. so we left bombay one day earlier than planned. we didn't go to goa as i had originally planned.we're back. marlene still sick. me.. i'm not sick.
there's more. but i won't write it because this story grows tedious and i was never any good at endings i wish i was.

bombay-part 3 [the train]

so the train eventually does arrive. we make certain that it's the right train. the coimbatore express.also fondly called the kurla express, although there's no mention of this anywhere as far as i can see.and so the journey begins.

on the train....an extract from the blue book.

from 15/02/05
the only thing i like doing on the train is sitting by the door and reading. it's hot,still so hot...and it's dark already. we're still in andhra.

this must be the twenty third time i've stopped myself from grumbling and whining about the heat. it's pointless and i'm NEVER going to live in andhra.

...there's this little[muslim- i imagine, from the clothes and the fact that she speaks urdu] girl that's attatched herself to marlene. i've figured out a way to make her disappear. when she starts jabbering in my general vicinity,i ask her to sing. voila- she disappears :)

...she refuses to leave marlene alone...but she did for about two minutes. BIG MISTAKE...guess who's sitting where she was now *raises eyebrows twice with wicked grin* HA...:). marlene can thank me later.

and now to cut the the long journey short. we left about an hour and a half late and reached less than twentyfour hours later.

commendation to the two young men who were our compartment companions. they didn't stare. they didn't even look, they quietly read or did whatever it is they were doing.nothing untoward. which is more than i can say for all the other men on our left and right .*curses at them* [for the guys staring at marl] .me i smile [at myself and her] .it's the way of the train, so i've learned.

bombay-part 2 [the station]

so we're at the station all on our own.
kan-ha good thing we came here and didn't go to city. see how crowded it isn't?
kan/marl- general collective observation- what's everyone doing on the other platform *exchange of confused looks, shrug.. whatever*
from the other platform, two minutes before the train is due- hey the train's coming to this platform. repairs on those track.
kan/marl- [sound of train horn in the back ground] SHITT! both jump onto track and run across suitcases, kermit slippers and all. helpful others help with bag containing big green kermit slippers [gift for good friend sema]
make it across track. check selves and each other. all intact.relapse into we're cool looks. we wern't even phased looks.
the train comes- guess which train it's NOT??
..some other train. NOT going to bombay.

bombay-part 1[leaving home]

leaving bangalore- the setting- hyperventillating parents [both marlene's and mine]
my house- HURRRRYYY UP!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE??!! [ and other assorted hyperventillating sounds]
me- enjoying my bath. i do like my water hot :).. not nearly packed.
marlene's house- WHERE IS YOUR FRIEND??!!! TELL HER TO HURRRY UP!! no no don't wear that?! you'll attract too much attention. no .. don't wear that either, just two girls travelling alone on the train absolutely not. ok,you can wear that [loose tracks and a tee shirt].. WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND??!!

so we leave finally [my father sweetly throwing required things into my suitcase and finishing my packin :)(love you dadda)]
marlene's mom comes to pick my up to take us to cantonnment.
we reached early.
guess how late the train was? 1 1/2 hrs *rolls eyes up*

observation-parents think HYPERventillate is a cool word.

i am a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
-casting crowns-[who am i]