And, this is 41. Learning to hide the fat 😏

I told my husband to spend lots of time with our sons.

That's all that they need.

And money.

😁

What I love about Christians, the real ones, is that they consciously care. 

Stay Rooted in Love and Kindness

A friend's mother wrote a note for him on his birthday. One line from it stuck - Stay rooted in love and kindness.

Do people look at me and think I've gone mad the way I do them?

#instagram #vapid #shallow #humanityatitsbestworst

The Things We Think But Don't Say Aloud

The other day, in an attempt to become a better person, I asked a friend for honest feedback. The feedback was that I can be judgemental. And, when I think about it, he's absolutely right. But then, aren't we all?

To me, the things that I think are merely observations. But, to others, I guess, it's judgement. So, while I am not making a conscious effort to curb my judgemental thoughts, I am making an effort to curb my judgemental tongue because why should anyone be subjected to it? 

Still, I need to somehow get these 'observations' out of my system. So, a post on a blog that isn't read by anyone is the way! 

Here they are.

If she actually exercises as much as she makes it look like she does on her social media page, why is she still so fat?

If he's SO clever, and is, in fact, better than everyone else and the genius he claims to be, then why hasn't he achieved a single significant thing in his life?

That's it. 

Everything at my disposal. 

Except time 

Just Desserts

When bad things happen to people who have done bad things, we silently think to ourselves - serves them right. 

And, then we feel bad for having uncharitable thoughts.

I want to tell the story about the man who screwed his brother and sister over.

About, the nasty young girl who grew into a nasty adult.

About the awful child that I, myself, was.

But, I won't. Because, even if I have uncharitable thoughts, I can stop myself from putting them into words. Even if they make for a good story.

Instead, I'm going to try and think about all the bad things that have happened to me. I'm then going to think about the bad things I've done. Ask around, get some honest answers and try to be a better person.

I suppose that not writing honest blog posts should be a good first step 😅

Wherever you are. Come back. Write

When I first started writing, in the early days of blogging, I followed a few people. I think, in those days, it was only (or mostly) the thinkers who blogged. People with time to think, opinions to share, stories to tell. The stories - they could draw you in and wrap you around the life of a stranger. 

No one writes anymore.

The people whose lives I followed, where I would be happy when they were happy and silently wish for the best for them when things seemed tough. 

I what to know what happened next. 

Is the byker still as clever as ever?

Did that girl find joy after all that sadness?

Could that one special person ever bring himself to forgive me?

I wish they would all start writing again.

40

I didn't mark my 39th year. But here's 40.

Rotting lilies

Don't You Wonder?

Me.

Don't you wonder how things turned out for me? 

Do you wish me well? 

Perhaps not.

You know; the house, the dog and the car? That's me, living the middle-class dream. At the bottom of the top of the pyramid.

You.

You gave me Asimov and Gaiman and Massive Attack.

You were perfect. Just not for me.

And I, I didn't know you. I didn't know you at all.

I am you. And what I see is me.

Heartbroken

Today, I heard the story of my father and his brother and sister.

My grandparents (their parents) left a 5,7 and 8 year old behind in India to go to Africa and work for the British. It seems that the schools there weren't very good. So, the children were left behind in the care of relatives.

I imagine that the children were devastated.

My father was only five. Imagine a five-year-old being separated from his mother?

It seems that they were sent by train from Mangalore to Mysore and my uncle who was all of eight years old stood the whole way.

I'm sure they did what they believed was the best but...I think it was actually the worst

:-(

Category: Heartbroken

Phoenix

I don't know if anyone even comes here anymore. But if you do, I want you to know that I've started writing again. Here.

♥️

38

This year I forgot to mark the day on the date. So, I'm doing it now.

That's us celebrating with lunch at Harima  

What do I really want to do?

Do I want to do social work? No.

Do I want to help the less fortunate? No.

Do I want to help better the world? No.

I just want to do or make something clever. 

Bombalatty

I don't know why, but it's always fatso that like to point out that my dog is fat or make comments about her weight.

Category 1: Shadow
Category 2: Fatty fatty

Do you miss having a full night's sleep?

I don't remember what it feels like to sleep through the night. So, no. I don't miss it.

Ever

I have so much to write about. But I can't.
This is me, isn't it? So full of angst.
I wonder if I'll ever write again?

They don't know. They will never know. How much they are despised, disliked and hated.

Category: Obliviousness is bliss

37

I turn 37 today.
When I was 23, sitting in a club I didn't  like, drinking a  drink that tasted awful, listening to music that I hated, and watching  people who were scantily dressed and drunk, I promised myself that I would never do anything that I didn't want to do. I wouldn't cave in to peer or social pressure.
In all these years, nothing's changed.

Today, I asked myself what I wanted to do? What would make me happy? The answer was, clean the house :-)
At 37, nothing would give me more joy than a clean house. After that, I'm going to try to make marshmallow fondant.
What a way to celebrate the day 😁

We still say 'house'. Like any of us live in houses anymore.

Perhaps I'm a strange mother.
It doesn't matter to me if my child is good looking or not. Not that I mind if he is. The world will be a little kinder to him.
I hope, more, that he will have a strong but just and kind personality. That he will be self assured and intelligent. Do the right thing and be successful and hopefully happy doing and being whatever he ends up doing and being.

Now that I have a baby

All I can say is...
Thank god for unlimited storage for pictures and video with Google Pixel!

😁

My husband

My husband has changed a lot in the past year.
He's progressed from losing his shit about planning the indgredients for a meal to initiating conversations and having an opinion about furniture 😁

Neither of us has any experience with managing a house or a kitchen or a dog or a child. So, the way I see it, we're equally responsible for our flat, food and dependents.

Category: Progress

So, what do you do when your dog hogs half the bed?

Get a bigger bed, I guess :-\

My mother

My mother is so good. I'm feeling unwell today. I sneeze at 2:00 a.m. I hear my mother calling out to me to find out if I'm ok and if I need anything. I'm 36 years old. She used to do the same thing when I was a little child. If I happened to cough in my sleep she'd be there with a bottle of cough syrup.

I realise more than ever that only a mother cares about you enough to actually do anything for you. Not a father (not as much), not a husband, not your siblings.

You just have to

As I lie here, refusing to move to make dinner for myself, my dog and the starving streetie, I think about having asked that over-achieving woman how she managed or all.
"You just have to do it," she said.

Let's see how that pans out.

This

This is what life should be about.

Karma

"You look beautiful!" I said.
The unnatural black of her hair made her features look pale and delicate.

Category: 'Tis the season

I want a traditional Tamil swing in my living room, hanging over my Athangudi tiled floor.
Is that really such a crazy idea?

😊

Happiness

Contentedness

Obliviousness is bliss

They sit on self-appointed thrones judging others on the way they look and speak. Secure in their self absorption.
Oblivious to the fact that they themselves are objects of utter scorn.

A twink and an arrogant, obsequious lackey.

But she did

She needed to constantly remind herself that: She didn't have to try to fit in.
She didn't have to fake laugh when they made fun of people.
She didn't have to say things were fair when they weren't in the least.
She didn't have to sell something she didn't really believe in.

Love

I'm learning, slowly, to love again.
My dog is teaching me how.

Category: Unconditionally

Horrible

Am I? Aren't you?

Dream

This time, I was a young pup being set upon by other young pups the same age and size as me. They outnumbered me.
And then, I was holding a kitten. A kitten with a third eye that opened wide, like it had the cosmos in it. The kitten itself, had a cute, goofy look on its face.

For some unfathomable reason, I feel it's important to remember this dream.

Be Kinder

I recently told a couple of people that they had a special skill; it was that they had the ability to make other people feel good about themselves.
I thought about it and I think everybody has the potential to do this.

Category: Being kinder

If anything can go wrong, it will

Yesterday seemed like a regular day. I was going to take my father to the doctor for a check up and then head to work.
I land up at the hospital, only to be told that the appointments are done for the day and to come back another day.
I head to work, only to get stuck in a traffic jam from hell because of All Soul's Day.
I get done with work, only to get stuck in the same traffic jam from hell because of All Soul's Day.
I go home to check on my father and pick up my dog, only to hear that his sugar is through the roof.
I head back to my place, only to get stuck in another traffic jam.
I try  to get out of the jam,only to drive into a ditch that was in a blind spot.
(Five good men pushed and pulled the car and helped me out. The only good thing about the day.)
I reach my apartment and my dog throws up in my neighbour's flat.
I go up to my own flat and realise I have the wrong key.
I get the right key and enter the flat, only to realise that the maid hasn't come and the place is a mess.
I go to lie down, only to find that my dog has peed on the bed (My husband's side, not mine, if we're going to be looking on the bright side.)
I finally decide that the only thing I can do is give up and laugh about it.

Ha ha.

<3

Work

Some days, I wonder about work.
I love that it's hectic and that I'm busy all the time.
I also hate that it's hectic and I'm busy all the time.

Category: Flash

Question of the day

Q. Would I want to spend Rs. 15,000 on a handbag?
A. No. Not if it had a visible brand name on it.

Life

I think about my life with P and P.
I couldn't be happier.

Category: <3

So, this happened

It's Official

One of those days

If anything can go wrong, it will.

Category: Murphy's law and other reasons why things go wrong

The greatest people are usually the most humble.

Category: Dr Abdul Kalam

When all you are is tired, you wonder.

Category: Where did it all go wrong?

After all these years

Today my violin teacher said I was improving. 

Category: :)

Where did it all go wrong?

All I'm doing today is crying.

I'm crying for the Kashmiri Pandits who had to leave.

For the Muslims that remained to face the hate of the Indian army.

The Hindus who left Pakistan and the Muslims who left India.

For the Palestinians, the Syrians, Iraquis, Africans, Bangladeshis, French,the list doesn't seem to end.

And for that puppy, 3-4 months old, whose foot is maimed because someone ran over it.

Apathy isn't an option.

The best kind of horse to be on.

Category: High

Lady Boss

Whenever the debate and stereotyping of of women bosses comes up, I think of all the ones I've had and I'm happy to  say that with the exception of one (her favourite book was Vampire Diaries,there's no way I'm not holding that against her) they've been smart, driven and overall really great to work with not to mention, inspirational. When I think about my best friends (both women bosses themselves), I feel the same way.

#damnstereotypes #nooffencemenbosses

I've realised today that I've been working harder than anyone. 

All these months I haven't had the time or have been just been too tired to read.

Everyone else did.

She's very pretty. 

Then what?

Honest, hard work, seems to mean nothing if it doesn't have a sprinkling of sycophancy.

Category: Disappointing race 

Watching history disappear in front of you is just sad.

I suppose he fancied himself something of a ladies man and he may well have been but what he probably didn't realise was that he had a cold and an infection and I, with my over sensitive sense of smell could think of nothing except how repulsive it all seemed while I wondered how much longer I could hold my breath. 

The Lower Classes

I rarely find myself around people who are crude and low class but the other day, I was forced to keep company with some of this ilk. It's quite surprising though that coming from the same family, with the same upbringing; some people are capable of behaving well, while others are downright vulgar.
It only goes to show that 'class' is determined not by how much money you have or your status in society, but by how your comport yourself.


Category: Commoners

I learned in business school that belief is the end of reason.

Maya wrote on my handbag yesterday.
The only handbag that I own and like.
I beat her and she almost cried.
Except that when I looked at what she had written it went, "I love you Kiran."

Category: :(

Swimming in a fishbowl.

Karma Police

Popularity seems to carry greater weight than hardwork when doing a job that doesn't require much mental prowess. 

Pushing for the positive

Tiny bits of positive reinforcement produce a disproportionate amount of goodwill, just as does neutral or negative feedback result in a sudden and steep drop in productivity. 

Category: Behavioural Economics

I feel as if I'll never be allowed the perfect contentedness that comes with ignorance, naivete and obliviousness. 

And yet I'm certain I am all these things because in the middle of this desert of discontent lie pools of optimism, hope and even joy at the thought of everything present and the future.

I brought this hell upon my own head.

Category: Hell

I landed in Bangalore today. I go home and ring the bell. It's about 2 am in the morning. My mother opens the door, hugs me and the first thing she says is, ' You've become very thin.'

Category: lndian mothers

Nathan forgot to read the Robot series before starting work on his own.

Category: Movie review
Movie: Ex Machina

My mother sent me mangoes from India. Eating them is like heaven.

Category 1: Indian Summer
Category 2: Nectar of the gods

'Whatever happens, happens for best.'
- Gujarati Indian in Paris

Category: How Indians console themselves when one person screws everything up for everybody else

Wonderful, caring, considerate, sweet, blind.

Neither deep love, nor happiness nor sadness nor hatred nor fear.

I always choose what's best for my family and my future wealth.

- V

I don't know why I've taught myself to be hard hearted. I love helping people.

If I was capable of feeling betrayed, I would be.

Paris, je t'aime

I never imagined that I'd end up liking Paris. Perhaps not to live in but definitely for a summer where the sun doesn't set till 9 or 2100h if you're french :).
It's sunshine and people on the banks and bridges of the Seine waving at river boat cruise passengers. It's ancient metros racing through tunnels, making you feel like you're in a wormhole, suddenly arriving at a station. They ought to be scary late at night but are actually filled with happy drunks moving from one party to another and wonderfully talented musicians entertaining passengers while trying to make a buck. It's picnics on the Champs de Mars and going ooh every time Tour Eiffel sparkles and jogging around that same park for exercise during the day. It's the tiny sense of achievement at figuring out how to navigate the city and learning that you'll manage to be ok even if you feel somewhat stranded at 2 in the morning because the last train to the suburbs has stopped.It's learning the secret history of places and things that only locals know and having charming french guys (they all think that they are) bring you flowers and take you on picnics to chateau gardens for fun. It's finding the cafe of the one mosque in Paris and admiring how beautiful it is as you have shisha and tea. It's so many things in the summer.
Paris, je t'aime!

Opportunists are ick.

I seem to have inspired the super bitch from my high school to do something useful.

France is forcing me to think that there is a shortage of women here.

:D

If l don't live in Bangalore, will my heart break? I think it might.

Quand on prend des risques, on peut perdre. Quand on n’en prend pas, on perd toujours.

-
La Joueuse

I keep thinking that I'm self-centered. It's the last thing I am.

I think in a previous life someone forgot me, left me behind and left me alone.

Someone asked me out on a date. He stammered and stuttered through it. I had to say that I had someone in my life and so I couldn't. I still felt terrible. I don't think it ever get easy asking someone out.

Category: :(

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Category 1: :)
Category 2: Oh dear!

Today I typed 'discrepancy' in the search bar.
It threw up evidence of infidelity.

Category: Like rain on your wedding day

In the chateau gardens at Sceaux under the Japanese cherry blossom trees

I say over and over that I've been lucky with the people I've come to value. They've shared themselves, their ideologies with me. They've changed me.

Paris

Today I saw men waltzing around in women's underwear. One even took a bath in the fountain.

Category: HEC Paris initiation

Tainted

Park Guell

The sweetness of doing nothing

Today was lovely and sunny in Paris and I learned that it really is possible to get tired from doing nothing. That is, drinking and eating and eating and drinking some more, soaking up the sun and then drinking and eating some more.

Category: La dolce far niente

Even thin girls have fat days.
And on that note l'd like to say; fat people are happier people!

Desolation

Category: My biggest fear

One of the few things that makes me sad, sometimes to the point of tears, is when l see someone who is alone.